Hard Cold Facts: Tomato Soup Edition
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Originally Published on July 13th, 2490
Orbital News Network/Blade Storm Reporting
Fucking war.
That's what the Martian Natives called it, right? War? Because they want people to treat it like it, because they wanna convince you that they legit have a chance to pull this off and pat themselves on the back, and go all "Yay, we did it! Power of Friendship! Friendship is Magic! Let's engage in questionable celebratory practices while wearing humanoid fantasy animal disguises!" because you know that's what these people are waiting for, any excuse is good so they get to engage in whatever it is they engage into and call it a ritual, or ceremony, or whatever else you may call it.
Folks, welcome to yet another edition of Hard Cold Facts, I am your best friend Blade Storm, also known as The Storm™, also known as The Pounder™, also known as The Truthsayer™, also known as Three Hundred Pounds Of Man In A Two Hundred Pounds Bag™ among a myriad of a ton of other names you have been given my throughout the years, and today, I wanna talk to you about a very special subject.
Fucking war.
Almost a month ago (time flies when you're having the time of your life, or pounding someone, or giving it to someone,) a war declaration appeared on the NET as a whole. Martians want the companies to want out, to relinquish the hottest piece of ass Sol System Real Estate has to offer, among other amazing demands, such as half a trillion credits compensation pay. I am sure the fuckbucket who came out with this declaration named it something else, but for the life of me, I couldn't give any more fucks about it, it's a big ass handout they want.
Since then, people have been having a ball, going into the ShadowNET and talking shit about corporations, calling them cowards while they themselves hide behind their letters and numbers instead of coming clean about who they are (at least that's one thing I will credit this Kusanagi fellow: he at least had the testicular fortitude to come clean and not use names and codes like these clowns do,) celebrating that these savages have ambushed convoys, killed soldiers who were parents, who were children, neighbors, friends.
Somehow, they found this funny, they laughed at the tragedy these Natives have created, and will continue to create. They show outrage at the actions of corporations, but when it is the time to show a bit of empathy to your fellow man? To those men and women in uniform who were only doing their jobs, following orders, and getting killed for what they believed in? Apparently that's too much to ask, but then again, these are the same hypocritical fucks who said nothing, and did nothing when over fifty thousand mutants were purged five months ago.
Where was your outrage? Where were your protests? I'll tell you where: Nowhere to be fucking found. Why? Because they had nothing to win and everything to lose, so like good losers they are, they hid, shivered, pissed themselves, and waited for all this to blow over. Oh, but not now, not this time, you see, people died! Let's fucking celebrate, let's have a good time, and let's embarrass those families who are grieving now. Har, har, good times.
"But Mr. Storm" I hear goddamn fucking Timmy call, can't we get another kid in here? "Both sides have suffered in this War! Surely you can find in your heart a way to forgive them if they find respite and solace in the midst of so much death!" Another kid, please! But before you go, Timmy, let me answer your question: No. I can't, I won't, and I shan't.
Why? I hear you lot asking, yes I just asked these uneducated fucks of the ShadowNET To have a heart, why can't I do the same? Very simple: They started this, everything that is going on right now is the fault of one Kusanagi, and every single fuckface who calls themselves a Native.
FACT: By declaring Independence and sparking the War, these people were intelligent enough to hide several messages in their Declaration, the main one that gets our attention tonight? "We're going to kick ARES out of the planet, and regulate corporations, if corporations wanna do business on Mars, we have to authorize it" or something along those lines. MEANING! Certain corporations in the System COULD be given the very privileged position of establishing themselves on a functional planet with a functional economy with millions of people living there, all they gotta do? Bend over, get a good ol' fashioned Martian Pounding, and you're in. This caused several corporations to call in the Natives "Hey, so, we can help you out, just let us in, alright? Cool".
So remember when these so called Martians (fuck, I'm embarrassed that these people even call themselves such, they should be called something more appropriate, like, I don't know, fucking thieves, that's a good start) claimed that their movement was for Mars, by Mars, and only for Mars? Guess what? They LIED to you. That's right folks, these underdogs, these champions of the little man, these defenders of the downtrodden are liars. Otherwise, how do you explain these other corporations that have NO HOLDING on Mars to suddenly be discovered as collaborators? And let me guess, there's no evidence of anything being ever offered to them, right? Well tell that to Romulus Corporation buddy, they lost Gaius Space Station to the big, thick, throbbing, and definitely always ready weaponry from ARES while the current board of directors was summarily executed. Will Romulus Corporation survive? Probably, but it's in dire need of a facelift, and when I say facelift, I mean the entire goddamn head needs replacing.
FACT: The demise of Gaius Space Station is the fault of these motherfuckers. Sure, ARES was forced to move to the Belt, and start combing the Inner Planets from there, what do I mean forced, I ask? New Geneva had reasons to believe that the Mars movement had inspired a number of Corporations to reconsider their alignment. So, basically, they want the continue sucking on New Geneva's big, supple tit, while they give nothing back, and even more, turn against New Geneva, because for some reason, they were under the belief that being aligned to a movement that hasn't even succeeded yet was going to protect them. Spoiler Alert: Not so. Not so.
"But Mr. Storm" here comes new kid, Robbie, being probably as fucking stupid as Timmy "What about what people are saying? That ARES is simply crushing competition and using the War as an excuse? Surely, this would position Advanced Research and Experimental Systems as the most powerful megacorp in existence, right?" First of all, let me stop you right there and tell you that ARES already is the most powerful megacorp in existence, they worked hard for decades to get where they are, and they have earned that spot. Hard work, a concept no Native has a grasp of by the way. And second of all, really? Eliminate competition? Now why would they want to do that? Fucking hell Robbie, let me educate you a bit, you're gonna learn the basics here.
Imagine if you will, that you have the newest silicon based synth, Aphrodite X2000, she's tall, she winks at you, she has a bodacious body, you know the only good thing Synths are good for, and as well as most Replicants, but you're not totally satisfied because you're a sick fuck and you wish your Aphrodite X2000 had an extra "oomph" if you catch my meaning.
Enter Kawaii Corp, a corporation dedicated solely to the manufacture of pleasure synths for sick fucks just like you, and they have been taking a long, hard look at the Aphrodite X2000 and came to the conclusion "There's market out there for sick fucks like Robbie here, let's get to work!" so through hard work, research, and dedication, they have with a newer model, the Bimbolicious Series T: It has more realistic skin, you can customize her eyes, she jiggles on all the right places, and she comes in with a pre-programmed twerking routine that will get your world rolling, and also because you're a sick fuck, she comes with a massive tool that will allow her to turn the tables on you, but hey, you like it, because you're a sick fuck, and the Bimcolicious Series T is a massive success. "Oh shit" other corps think "There's actually a big market for sick fucks! Let's get to work boys and girls!" And when you know it, sick fucks like you have a ton, A TON of variety to pick from as a companion, some cheaper, some more expensive, some more realistic, some looking more like those Godzilla cartoons you crazy kids love so much nowadays, some may even be modeled after actresses too! Or actors, I don't blame you, you want your own Tom Pitt-Diesel Schwarzenegger pounding you every night. This leads to innovation, innovation leads to more competition among corporations, and more competition among corporations means ONLY benefits for you, the sick fuck, also known as customer at times. So in short, no corporations around? No competition. No competition? No innovation. No innovation? Only you, Robbie, will suffer.
FACT: Both the Refugee Crisis AND the Food Shortage is also directly the Natives's fault. Now before you get your holoboards fired up and ready to type half a million death threats, hear me out. You will always wanna make sure your friends are alright, well, this is assuming you have friends to begin with, but then again folks, I don't read minds. So you wanna check on your friends, keep the community going strong, right? Growing, getting better, the works. What if you heard through the grapevine that some of your friends were conspiring to hurt your other friends? And hell, even take a swing at you! You, the one who lent them credits when they needed them the most. You, the one who offered them your house when they had nowhere to go. You, the one who's ultimately responsible for helping them grow and become who and what they are now? Would you just idly sit and do nothing when they start stabbing your friends in the back? Or will you jump into action?
Folks, New Geneva's only sin was to try and preserve the established order here. These corporations were unfortunately seduced by someone offering them power in the end? New Geneva distributes evenly among the corps it oversees, they were working with secessionists and separatists, they would have affected your lifestyle and that of those you love and care for.
What was New Geneva to do, other than ask Advanced Research and Experimental Systems to conduct an investigation and find these conspirators? Do you think it was an easy decision? Do you think the Councilors to New Geneva are not aware of all the losses this will cause?
The system needs a cleansing, and all those traitors, separatists, and secessionists need to be brought to justice, and brought to justice they will. New Geneva will even ask them to come back and be part of it, the ones who refuse? Those are the ones who face justice and retribution. Folks, had these Natives not stirred these people up, Gaius Space Station wouldn't have been sacrificed, and many more corporations wouldn't have risked it all for nothing.
Make no mistake: the purge will continue, and I'll be surprised if there aren't any more space stations or colonies blown up because of people still believing these people. And as far as Luna is concerned? Really? You're pissed at Luna now? For what? Protecting their people? Folks, you know as well as I do that these Natives, if they happen to pull the impossible and keep Mars, they will keep the most important food production facilities in all Sol System and not honor the current contracts Mars Farms has, why? "Because corporations, fuck corporations, raaaar, grrrr, gruuuuuunt", and now there's a War they started that threatens to burn all of the Sol System too.
What was Bancroft to do? The Governor has a responsibility to preserve the Lunite way of life and fucking hell if it's not what he's doing. Securing the means to keep his people fed, and protected is what a governor should do, they have a responsibility with their people, you know in the same way that these Natives don't give a fuck about anyone outside Mars, where's your outrage at them? Fucking hypocrites. You know who truly are the ones affected here? Those people who continue to hate on the corporations, who continue to spit on their faces and STILL expect to get something out of them, yeah no buddy, fuck you. But fear not my friends, because...
FACT: From now on, if you get to eat something, anything, you'll have to get on your knees, kiss all corporations's asses, lower your head, and say "Thank you sir, may I have another?". Morpheus Group Management and Aegis Macrogenetics, two important, big, and meaty corporations conferred with Governor Bancroft and cut a deal for food and water. MGM got it because they have an impeccable history when it comes to high class entertainment for years now, and AM got it for their services to Luna in dealing with an issue concerning a water based chimera not too long ago.
Now here's the thing, MGM is already looking at starting a program in Cocoon Station. This program will keep a lot of freeloaders employed, fed, and with enough water, ask them if they are gonna charge you? The answer is no, they won't, they are in fact using money from their pocket to keep you fed and employed. Aegis Macrogenetics will do the same on Earth, and even use their advanced techniques in food production to try and help with the massive waves of refugees that surely will hit Earth.
What do these two corporations have in common? They both agree with Governor Bancroft. Oh no, outrage! How is it possible? Let me type a poorly written and even more poorly structured mail! But then, oh hey, they are using Lunite resources to distribute them to you and all the refugees, keep you safe, and give you a chance to survive this crisis. Do you smell that? Is that copper you taste? Is your cyberbrain melting down? It's alright, this only means one thing: These corporations you so much hate? They are doing the one thing they can to keep you safe, they will smile and they will endure you being crude to them, and they will also save your goddamn life, how do you like them apples now?
FACT: These people are also responsible for future tragedies that will take place and involve refugees. Now folks, in a bit of a sad news, there was a regrettable incident near Earth Site X-17, a Zeta-Class Shuttle, which was filled beyond its capacity, crashed just outside the Earth Site, as reported by Vulca Group. Apparently, their navigation controls were fried upon atmospheric entry, with a magnetic storm taking place on Earth's atmosphere. Free Company was called to move in and they even got the help of several locals, but regrettably, they found that a 2000 people capacity shuttle was PACKED with 2700 souls aboard, so then the Free Company personnel got there and opened the hatches, all they found inside was Tomato Soup of the vilest kind. 2700 people annihilated that I personally blame on the Martian Native Tribe Clans and their senseless War. Some witnesses claimed that the shuttle was on a collision course against the Earth Site, which would have caused a much larger death toll, but one of the pilots, in his last effort, managed to pull up just enough to save countless more lives. So in addition to 2700 people, these so called Natives caused the death of heroes.
Folks, war is not an easy topic to tackle, it's messy, it has unforeseen effects, it will fuck up your life in more ways than one, and nothing, nothing will ever be the same. To gaze upon the face of War is to gaze upon destiny itself, the realization that all the people you know and love will probably die, some in more painful ways than others, and that the only thing you have to carry on is yourself.
This is where the burdens of leadership come in, a decision will cause ripples in the vast ocean of life and cause repercussions. When this happens, you have to man up, hold on to your balls, stand up, take responsibility and say "I did it." The more this war drags on, the more refugees will continue to flee and desperately try to make it somewhere, anywhere, obviously not Mars, because these fuckheads are fucking it up, the fucking fucks. So that limits the space stations, floating cities, and colonies of all kinds significantly. Colonies will be overrun, they will be overwhelmed, they will have no choice but to go to Earth, Earth that has dangerous to lethal levels of radiation. Where the food is not compatible with non-Earth natives. Where the weather is a fucking mess. And where most of the wild life will fuck your ass inside out and fuck you six ways from Sunday. Hundreds, thousands of people, maybe even millions will flock to Earth, most if not all of them will die, and these too, will be casualties of War, caused by the selfish wishes and desires of the so called Natives who claim to be fighting for freedom and independence.
Is this the freedom you were hoping for, folks? Is this the price you all are willing to pay so Mars gets their Independence? And then what? When their Independent Government fails, what will happen? I'll tell you what will happen: They will BEG for New Geneva to come back, they will BEG for corporations to take over once more, they will BEG for ARES to set order, but you know? After all this is said and done, I wouldn't be so sure if New Geneva or even ARES itself would be so inclined as to put out the fire these fuckers have set on themselves, if you ask me? Let the fuckers burn, deal with whoever was smart enough not to get burnt.
The Storm™ Has Spoken.
Blade Storm is a Corporate Law Analyst, Writer, and member of the Red Circle, an exclusive community that debates the progress of Corporate Law and Human Advancement in general. Fiercely pro-human, and pro-regulation, he's a Mars born journalist who believes in human supremacy. So far, he has survived three four attempts on his life, and is said to be eagerly awaiting the fourth fifth. He is a three time Martian Herald Award winner, and a two time New Geneva Award For Excellence In Media winner.