The Fugazi Report: "Sympathy for the Devil"

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Originally Published on May 27th, 2493
The Fugazi Report

[The view fades in to show double doors set into the wall of the studio]

A voice off camera: "Why are you filming the wall?"

Another voice off camera: "Boss told me to go live at top of the hour and film the doors."

1st voice off camera: "Oh... Wai-"

[The doors fly off their hinges as a Red Rarog roars across the studio floor. Staff dive for cover as it powerslides into the catering table with an explosion of beverages and baked goods. The engine shuts off, the driver's side door slides up, and milk and coffee pour down from the roof as James Lexx falls out.]

Lexx: "FUCK, I THINK I SPRAINED MY PANCREAS!"

[Reaching in the back of the car Lexx tugs heavily on a strap through the narrow space between the seat and the doorframe, deep thumps accompany each pull.]

A voice off camera: "WE'RE ON THE 101ST FLOOR, HOW DID YOU GET A FERRERA UP HERE?!"

Lexx: "BY TASTING AMBROSIA, DRUGS, THAT LET ME DO THINGS FAR BEYOND THE KEN OF MERE MORTALS! WHY... WON'T... THIS... COME... OUT?!"

A voice off camera: "You *promised* you wouldn't get high for taping! Also...push the handle down to move the seat forward."

[Lexx kicks the handle several times before the seat flies forward, the full frame of a gold-plated Tyrant minigun suddenly coming free, sending Lexx backwards onto the floor.]

Lexx: "Noooooo, I promised not to get high on *those* drugs, and I didn't. Did 'em all that same night."

[Lexx rolls over and pushes himself upright, lifting the Tyrant up with a grunt.]

Lexx: "It's Nitro, brand *new* combat drug that just hit the streets. Sent Susan to Cocoon to buy all she could carry in arms and orifices, you'd be amazed what she fit in her ears. Been on 'em for two days, its why I bought *this!*"

[Lexx pats the minigun before dropping it onto the floor to drag behind him as he walks to his chair. Sitting down, he hoists the gold-plated monstrosity up onto the desk and looks at the camera.]

Lexx: "Martians aren't True Humans, and Hades is the site of the next Omega outbreak! This and other stories...on the Fugazi Report."

[Snarky annoying rockerboy music fills the studio]

Lexx: "Let's be clear, Mars was fucked from the jump. A whole planet populated by people so useless they got sent on a one-way trip from Earth *before* the Transcendence War. The dregs of a better society crash on Mars, and somehow don't die out over decades while they breed and spread. A shallow gene pool drying up over successive generations, the modern Martian has nothing in common with a True Human."

"Makes you understand ARES' position when they took over Mars. Can't blame them for failing to uplift freak children, but we *can* blame them for not wiping them out when they had the chance. So, how did these primitives fight off the strongest army in the Sol System? With help, of course."

"ARES opts for relocation instead of merciful genocide. NG decides to send all criminals to Hades, giving Mars a boost in better people. ARES' competition supplies the cowardly terrorists of the worst kept secret in the Sol system: the 'Hidden Demons'. But who helped those disorganized crims plan a million to one strike that ended the ARES occupation? Let's think critically."

"Demons never do anything without clout chasing afterwards. The only ones they've never attacked, condemned, or threatened publicly? The mutie and AI lovers in Free Company! We have *evidence* KA's been working with FC to turn Mars into the staging area of next gen Omegas, to invade the rest of the Sol System if Earth fails!"

[Lexx pulls an injector and stabs it into his tear duct with a hiss, his nose starts bleeding, his muscles swelling unnaturally. He grabs the Tyrant screaming, and spins up the barrels taking aim at the Rarog.]

Lexx: "ARES, INVADE MARS AGAIN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!"

[A loud, sustained 'BRRRRRT' is heard. The Rarog engulfed in lights, plinking sounds, a burst of fire, smoke...]

Voice off camera: "RUN, BEFORE IT BL-"

[A flash, a rumble, and the feed cuts]