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''Originally Published on June 22nd, 2490''<br>
''Orbital News Network/Blade Storm Reporting''

Folks, when it comes to life, sometimes there is that perfectly well endowed, overly masculine, and completely amazing male celebrity you just can't stand. Is it valid to try to kill them? Fuck yeah, exercise your Corporate given right of expressing your distaste for your betters and go ahead do the thing! Just two things: One, understand that you'll be facing consequences. That's right, you can't just stroll around and draw a gun at someone who's an infinitely better looking, better paid, and better pleasurable man, and just walk scotch free. That's not how it works. And Two? Make sure you get the goddamn job done. I repeat: Get.The.Goddamn.Job.Done. What happens when a bunch of distraught assholes have a problem, and send a bunch of muties to try and kill me? They fucking fail, that's what.

For those of you who are new here, hello, I'm Blade Storm, and anyone and everyone out there scared stiff of corporations has a hard on about me. Is it a literal hard on? Is it figurative? You decide. Back on December 30th, in the year of our Corp of 2489, I was the victim of an ambush by a bunch of disgruntled, malnourished, and pathetic muties. What are muties you ask? Mutants of course. What kind? Fuck if I know, all of these idiots are the same, think the same, and for heaven's sake, aim the same. 

So, two of these morons made it into my exclusive Mariner Valley Resort Room, and one was at the ready outside hoping to escape. Now I don't know where these idiots got the idea they would actually walk away with their lives, I was mid way being pleasured when it happened, so I was understandably distracted, I still managed to gun down one of these muties, but the other? Well folks, I'm embarrassed to say that while I was climaxing, this mutie got to their window and shot me. Not once, not twice, not thrice. But TEN times. You hear that? TEN Times. Fortunately for everyone except you, ARES, the biggest, baddest, and most no-bullshit guys around got in, knew what to do, how to do it, and took care of all these nuisances. After a few months away from the spotlight, and a lot of oral therapy, I'm back, better than ever, badder than ever, and much more hurtful than ever. 

You see folks, I have a history of getting under people's skins, I get that, I've been shot several times before, and I always come back on top, what does that mean? It means you're watching, reading, and listening to the baddest celebrity motherfucker that has ever walked the Sol System. Plain and simple.

"Hey Mr. Storm" I hear you asking "What's with all the profanity? My virgin ears are bleeding!" Well Timmy, you're also watching, reading, and listening to the only associate to ONN to have the first, and only ever "Creative Clause" on their contract, you see Timmy, if you had a bit of a memory, not unlike those Gammas selling you crap on the streets, you'd know I went through this before. I am SO good that ONN is literally throwing credits my way and begging me to do my thing, and my thing is what I'm doing, whether you like it or not. But we know, don't we folks? We know that you secretly, deep down, you love what I say, how I say it, and why I say it, you know I'm right, and you just couldn't wait to see, and hear more of The Storm™. Now, without further ado, let's get into some roasting, shall we?

So, we have this guy again, Kusanagi Akio, who revealed himself to be Saito Akio (Goddamn these names, it took an entire new augment to learn these,) who claims to be speaking on behalf of the Natives of all Mars and is calling for war. That's what he called it folks, not negotiations, not talks, not intentions, nuh uh, straight up war. Peace my perfectly toned and well preserved ass. Now here's the interesting part folks, long ago, there was this incident, before APD, Cocoon Station had a security task force called Arboria Tactical Systems, and the then Twin Dragons led an assault on its Tower, at the time, there was much controversy because among the people who were captured, a Saito Akio was listed, and taken off station, only to be declared dead a few days later. Even a body was shown and all, does this mean this now Kusanagi is in league with some would-be dissident corporations? That would be an extremely dangerous move folks, not exactly for him, but for the corporations that may consider stepping outta line. 

You see, there would be an investigation on Arboria Tactical Systems if Arboria Tactical Systems, or its parent company, Arboria Corporation were still around, but as far as we know, ATS would eventually be bought by Armitech Corporation and turned into APD, and recently, APD was acquired and turned into Symphathik Nano Systems, which has almost nothing to do with security and almost everything to do with augmentations, but more on that later. My point is, how is this motherfucker still alive after all that? I'll tell you how: Traitors. That's right, ingrate entities that got everything they have thanks to the generosity, kindness, and disposition of New Geneva. 

You see folks, this is gonna infuriate you, but corporations? Surprised as you may be because of this revelation, they tend to do VERY well. Facilities on space stations, facilities on Luna, facilities on Earth, contracts with exclusive clauses and benefits, millions of credits rolling in every week. What, you think you're good enough to secure all that on your own? Goodness no, hell no, of-fucking-course no. All your benefits, your contracts, and your millions are all possible because of the structure that is New Geneva, you are connected through its corporate umbrella to more clients, more contracts, and more opportunities, without that? You're dead on the water. Finished. And now some entities are thinking about going against all that? Oh, no, think again. No, really, think again. You are trying to bite the hand that feeds, what do you think it's gonna happen to your millions, your facilities, your benefits, and most importantly, your families if you fuck up? 

Not too long ago, there was a scandal on Luna, one of the oldest families got struck hard, not even the super elite of Luna can skip corporate law, you think you morons have a shot? Listen, pal, yeah you, I'm talking to you, sitting behind your expensive desk, and sweating buckets right now: Think it through, think it through because this is the kind of mistake that can not be forgiven, and will not be forgiven.

Now, going back to Mr. Martian Japanese Badass over here, he even has a list of demands, oh goodie, let's see what realistic, and not at all reaching demands does he have:

1.- He has all corporations on Mars to be regulated... Uh huh... And who's gonna regulate them? You? A bunch of savages that have no experience with how corporations work? Yeah... Figured as much.

FACT: Corporations are already regulated: It's called Corporate Law, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Ass.

2.- He wants corporations to stop exploiting people, let me tell you something sunshine. This ain't exploitation. People get benefits working for a corp, they eventually want more, what happens is that corporations have to set people straight, you either play with corpo rules or don't play at all.

FACT: Even a criminal like you, arguably successful, is standing on the failure of others who came before you, so why don't you start by not exploiting people yourself? Moron.

3.- He wants all the toys ARES and New Geneva have to be surrendered to him and the Natives. Oh but of course! Because I am sure nothing nefarious at all will be done with such high power weapons on your hands, isn't that right, Mr. Terrorist?

FACT: Just because those big, thick, and throbbing weapons look damn good, doesn't mean you get to procure them. You're just a thief. Jackass.

4.- He wants ARES to leave Mars, because some old as fuck mountains and tunnels were destroyed forever ago. Newsflash, dick, what stands on top of those ruins? Progress. Even your own Hades Colony is a testament to that, all those flea infested, low tech bunch of criminals you call your people? They are alive because of the thing you want to destroy. Fucking morons I swear.

FACT: Without corporate presence on Mars, Mars would still be a dead rock. Even those natives, descendants of the Home One mission from forever ago? Their mission was corporate funded. Idiot.

5.- He wants ARES to remove all testing facilities from Phobos and Deimos. Alright, folks, let me impart a bit of wisdom upon you. I'm gonna get RAW with you, you know, gonna give it to you non stop until you like it and beg for more. Progress is not a road that is filled with candy, sunshine, and happy holovids of humanoid unicorns dancing around you. Progress is serious fucking business. How many lives do you think were lost before the first secure shuttle from Mars to the Asteroid Belt could be tested? There are bodies slowly floating away from the Sol System that are a testament to the cruel road of Progress. You all enjoy the benefits, but when someone speaks about the costs to get to the benefits? You suddenly show how weak you are in the testicular fortitude area, have some balls for once people. You want progress? You gotta crank it up to eleven like you really mean it, and get there. This man here is advocating your stagnation, how long until every single space station crashes and burns if this man is even listened to?

FACT: The second they leave, you'll wanna use those facilities for yourself. Because otherwise, you wouldn't even mention them if you want ARES gone. Doofus.

6.- My absolute favorite, he wants the measly, pocket change kind of small amount of no less than five hundred BILLION credits. You heard that right folks, half a trillion credits, because of actions that were taken by people who are no longer around, against people who aren't alive to be offended, and surely, that amount will be enjoyed by people who totally are affected by whatever people in the past did, right? And who's going to manage this amount? Oh, him? Well then, that sounds legit, that sounds like not a scam at all, that sounds like this man is genuine too, please, everybody, start chiming in! We got half a trillion credits to conjure for this man and his druggie friends!

FACT: Get a goddamn job, because we know exactly where this money will end up: In your fucked up friends doing fucked up things for fucked up reasons. Ass. Did I say Ass before? Uhh... Jerk. There, take that.

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT

Now folks, near the end of this document, this man is generous enough to say that some corporations MAY be ALLOWED to work on Mars, because of course they will, but this man clearly wants blood, your money, and for you to give him the biggest piece of ass when it comes to Real Estate in the entirey Sol System. A TREMENDOUS piece, simply tremendous. So what exactly would change? He just wants to be in charge, is that it? He wants to be the one saying what goes, what doesn't go? In short, he wants to call the shots, and people to follow suit, right? You know what that's called?

BEING A GODDAMN HONEST TO GOODNESS FUCKING CORPORATION.

For a man calling for corporation regulation, he sure as hell seems to be acting like one right? Instead, unike you, or me, or any other Corporate Law Abiding Citizen, he doesn't get a job, he doesn't bust his ass, he doesn't earn promotions, but he still expects him and his flea infested pals to get all the benefits. To this? I say: Hey, ARES, how long are you gonna humor this ape and just blast the ever lasting fuck out of him and his people?

"But Mr. Storm" here comes Timmy again with a dumb ass question one more time "ARES and New Geneva tried to shut down Hades Colony, and somehow, it's still working! What is going on?" Well Timmy, the most likely scenario? These rats have been rigging a ton of hover car batteries on the lowest level of Hades Colony and are now operating it. Because that's what rats do: Jury righ the everlasting fuck out of everything and ruin a perfectly functional environment because it's not to their liking, it's like getting rid of a perfectly good thermostat and getting a goddamn bonfire inside your home. Think about it, these idiots are putting the people of Hades Colony at risk because whatever they are doing will shut down at any given time and get them all killed. Are they still gonna blame the corporations? Of course they are, and you see folks: This is why New Geneva is interested in salvage as many assets as possible before bombing the everlasting hell out of these people, because of all the people living in Hades, all of their lives combined aren't enough to even cover the cost of the landing pad of the shuttle getting there, let alone everything else.

Mutants, Replicants, Synths, among the other colorful beasties living there, all criminal, are you really surprised the spotlight is on them all? Sure, some of them could be saved, but they would have to play nice, like that adorable pet Michael Nikolaidis has now, what was its name? Ferdinand or something? Now that is a perfectly well behaved little mutie, it's even adorable in its own weirdly bug eyed way.

There are rumors going around that one incident has already happened, a bunch of people delivering weapons to the Natives, and some ARES forces engaging them. Now, let me be perfectly clear here folks: IF, big fat assed IF, this happened... Do you really think anyone would have survived to tell the tale? ARES is not security, ARES is not cops, they are the goddamn beefiest boys when it comes to military operations, do you really think these wonders of military technology would be defeated or even outmaneuvered? No fucking way in hell. What probably happened though? They fought amongst themselves, a disagreement between fleabags and savages, fleabags wanted the shiny credits the savages don't even know about, and the savages not even knowing what these weapons are or how they work and probably aiming them at their faces and blowing themselves up. Deep inside, you know this is the truth, there hasn't been one bad motherfucker in the past bringing war to ARES, not even the failed Vander Air and Space Corporation, and sure as hell, there's not one bad motherfucker in the present that can do that today.

So, what's going to happen? I'll tell you what's going to happen: ARES will give these people their time of day, will play along, give them the time or day while they figure out to preserve the important things, like the sewer systems, as to not to lose them during the bombings that surely will take place, or better yet: Blockade the hell out of the planet and let these fleabags fight each other for scraps and let the problem solve itself. Done, there's your war, there's your independence, go fuck yourselves.

And to end this Edition of your favorite ONN Show: The one with the big brazen balls, a happy note. Do you folks remember APD? Yeah, it had some of the people with weird names. A while back, it was shut down under mysterious circumstances, and its Direktor, Miwa Hiraki was apparently apprehended on Luna and all the information was contained. Until now.

Enter Symphatik Nano Systems, the trump card under the tiny, tiny sleeves of one Miwa Hiraki, in a maneuver that is embarrassing for veteran Adelheid Stromm (Fucking germans and their goddamn names, I swear) the CEO to Armitech Corporation, Hiraki actually bought off APD Assets (Digital and otherwise) and with an unexpected twist, turned them into Cocoon Station's newest player. Specializing in Cybernetics and Nanotech, they have been operating for years now and one of their most notorious clients? Advanced Research and Experimental Systems, or ARES if you can not read properly. What does this mean? Well for once, it means more jobs, so hopefully you'll get off your ass and apply, and it means one more Corporation setting the example of the Corporate way of life, while punks are declaring war on Mars, Corporations are bolstering and securing their position and power. I am told that they had their grand opening on Cocoon Station today, and I'd of loved to have attended, but unfortunately, I was in the middle of further oral therapy, and I wasn't invited either, but that's perfectly fine, I am sure my invite got lost on the mail or something. All the same, CEO Miwa Hiraki and her team, congratulations. You were able to change the face of Corporate Law in times of lawlessness and I am sure you will also turn the tables on anyone and everyone doubting corporations.

Final thoughts, folks. It's easy to declare war, it's easy to paint corporations as the bad guys, as the villains. You don't understand, but then again, I see you wearing either baggy rave pants, or, you know, nothing underneath that transparent "Coat" of yours and still get pissed when someone starts telling you how shaggable you are, how could you understand? It takes someone with their feet well planted in reality and a massive set of balls to take the tough decisions, and let's face it: You lot have neither of those qualities, so let the big decisions to the big boys, and you do your part, and I promise you that things will get better for you.

The Storm™ Has Spoken.

Blade Storm is a Corporate Law Analyst, Writer, and member of the Red Circle, an exclusive community that debates the progress of Corporate Law and Human Advancement in general. Fiercely pro-human, and pro-regulation, he's a Mars born journalist who believes in human supremacy. So far, he has survived three four attempts on his life, and is said to be eagerly awaiting the fourth fifth. He is a three time Martian Herald Award winner, and a two time New Geneva Award For Excellence In Media winner.